just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
