remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
