Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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