i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
