don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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