I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
