Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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