She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
