My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
