glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
