I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
