i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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