I think my fart just growled at me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
