Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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