You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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