Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
