Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
did i walk over a car last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
