sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
