Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
