"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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