well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
