I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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