if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
