last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
sex in a hospital.. check
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
