Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
