Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
