yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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