I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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