My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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