My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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