She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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