Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
