Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
