we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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