meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
