i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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