Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
