if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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