It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
