At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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