last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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