I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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