The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
