Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
false alarm, still single
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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