Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize