I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
