i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
