Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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