I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
