who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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